As I sat in my teal, low to the ground, beach chair, gazing at the illuminating colors reflecting off of the dark blue ocean. For a split second, I had a sense of joy go through my sorrowful yet hopeful body.
My depression is on high alert these last few weeks, slowly creeping up in my thoughts. And then in a blink of an eye, the emotions suffocate my entire existence.
My mother, Rhonda, plays an enormous role. Stabbing my back, while both fits rapidly swing. All empathy is lost on her dreadful soul.
And I wish I could say I had a supportive parent that made my existence just a tiny smudge better, but sadly my father is the master and taught my mother all her devilish behaviors.
My adoptive father, Tim, videotaped my naked body, in both my bedroom and outside, literally outside, the bathroom window. He peaked his dark devilish brown eyes through the wide, white blinds.
I should have noticed, and I know that. No matter what Tim has done to be mentally and physically, this hateful, disgusting act never crossed my mind.
He played Mr. perfect quite well, and my mother bows to her corrupt Prince Charming with Cupid’s arrow blinding her every breath.
I, however, was blinded by love as well. The love a daughter has for a mother. But stupid me believed Rhonda actually loved her daughter. And don’t let her victimized pale blue eyes fool you, she is full of hushed secrets that could haunt her entire existence if ever told.
I was livid that Tim videotaped me. Tim’s haunted me my entire life. And now he had the audacity to invade my privacy? I had enough. Why would Tim do this to me? What the heck is wrong with this human?
I foolishly thought about my mother before my own self. This moment right here is my biggest regret. BIGGEST.
If there is any amount of advice I can give to those struggling. Always trust your intuition. Always trust YOURSELF. And remind yourself how badass you truly are! Because I can promise you, you’re worth so much more than you will ever know.
My blinded, naive heart didn’t want to hurt my mother, I wanted to protect her from this monster. I believed that if he was hurting me, Tim had the potential to harm her. I wasn’t going to allow the pain to continue anymore.
The day I confronted Tim was the day my mother destroyed my heart. My heart was literally torn into a billion pieces and will never fit back together with the same. Long story short, Rhonda chose Tim, and I never stood a chance.
At first, I was blinded by my pain and living in denial. Who would want to believe their mother didn’t love them? I sure didn’t. My mother was my best friend. I loved her more than life itself, and I still do, even though she doesn’t deserve it.
I eventually got past the denial and realized that I deserved better than her love, mother or not. No one deserves to be treated like nothing. A mother vows to protect her child from harm, and she chose to turn the other way.
So then I chose to walk away.
And on days when my heart aches for my mother, I close my sorrowful eyes, squeeze them tight, and breathe slowly and calmly.
As I open my hazel, freckled eyes, the beautiful bluesy sky brightens my weakened soul. While the cool Summer breeze pushes against my tan skin, my courageous self allows the guilt to fade with the sea. And I confidently remind my brain to stand tall and to let the hope of your soul protect you.