As I stared at my short, natty brownish, blonde hair in my bathroom mirror. I noticed my downright, horrendous reflection.
And by horrendous I mean a woman who’s lacked the ability to even lift her short, brown hair off her pink, deflated pillow.
Beauty maintenance flew out the window once my trauma hit my shattered soul.
My bushy, yes very bushy, brown eyebrows looked like a tormented caterpillar across my pale, oily face.
On this particular morning, I wanted my appearance to be up to par. I was finally content with my choices and thought my peace was finally approaching. I was overly ecstatic that I no longer allowed the guilt of my past choices and others haunt my dwindling, spiraling soul.
One by one I plucked my caterpillar, brown eyebrows and enjoyed each pull of pain.
As I found a smile reaching my pale, freckled face, I began dancing around my bathroom singing as my life had a purpose.
This would be the last moment I experienced any type of pain, and I was beyond overjoyed.
As I brushed out my eyebrows, one last time, I then decided I wanted to keep the momentum alive.
On this particular day loneliness no longer haunted my soul. Today would be the last day I experienced the shameful, antagonizing, and downright exhausting feeling.
The guilt would finally fade…
The shame would finally dwindle…
And most importantly the voices would finally stop…
The voice that hauntingly appeared multiple times, in a thirty-minute period, calmly, patiently, and kindly loved to whisper into my ears that “The world would be better without you in it.”
And on this particular day, I decided to finally push my other voices aside and listen to the one voice that overpowered them all.
Today was the day I would end my life…
Which is why I wanted my momentum to be alive.
I mean I should enjoy my last day on this planet, right?
Have any of you felt this way? Felt as if the whole world would be better without you here? Without your existence?
And the thought of dying actually brings joy to your eyes?
Because sweetheart if you do, I want you to take that deep breath, and remind yourself of your worth. Because let me tell you, you’re worth more than you will ever know. No matter the circumstance. No matter the guilt, the shame, the grief.
In my moments of weakness, I didn’t have the comforting eye guiding me, telling me that I am worthy. I am brave. And I can overcome any obstacle that is thrown at my existence.
So that is why I am sitting here, reaching out to you too, letting you know you’re not alone.
I am here. I support you. And I hear you.
Dying is not the answer, hope is. Love is. YOU are.