The guilt oh man will the guilt start creeping into every thought if you allow the emotion to overtake. And I know this because I allowed guilt to change the direction of my life, which ultimately almost cost me my life. I didn’t know how to handle the pain I put upon those I told about what Tim had done to me. Tim, my adoptive father, decided without my consent to videotape me naked in my bedroom and in the bathroom.
I thought I knew how each person would react to the news and since I had proof of what Tim did, I didn’t even question people not believing me. And that was the first hardest truth I realized after speaking up about my father. You cannot trust anyone, at first. Because unfortunately you may think you know how your loved ones will react to the unfortunate news, but sadly abuse causes each human to act differently. And not a single soul can predict that.
However please don’t become discouraged to tell ANYONE your truth. You deserve to be heard. And those that truly love you will stand by your side. Even if they don’t understand what is happening.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t end up with the fairytale ending with everyone running to my rescue.
I had numerous questions and ridicule. Even with the proof. And I mean concrete evidence that my father was the one being the fucking creepier outside the bathroom window, videotaping me taking my bath, in broad daylight. No shame for his actions.
And Tim had no shame because he believed he would never get caught. My father thought I would never have enough courage to come forth and tell anyone. And he also knew if I did, most people would turn the other cheek.
The majority of my life I was a pathological liar. I was so desperate for attention that I would do anything to get noticed, by anybody. But mostly by my parents. All I wanted from my parents was love and acceptance for who I was. And I would do anything to gain their attention. The good or the bad.
And this was a habit that I started as a child. I was overly dramatic and loved the attention I gained from it. I mean I was so horrible when I truly hurt myself no one believed me. Absolutely no one. I was in the 6th-grade choir class, and this was in the early 2000s so my teacher thought it was a grand idea for all of us to stand on our chairs and sing. Well the girl next to me fell down and took me with her. I fell on my arm. Now it obviously wasn’t horrible, but 4 days later, I ended up in a cast. I plead and cried to both my parents, but they were just annoyed that I was once again bitching about some made-up trauma.
But behind closed doors, I wanted to be heard so desperately. I didn’t know how to speak up about what was happening to me. Tim started molesting me when I was in 5th grade. And I can’t even begin to tell you the confusion and delight that went through my tiny little brain. Tim turned me into his sexual toy doll. Literally. How does a child know how to handle this correctly?
I am magically supposed to understand how sex works? Why didn’t I tell you? The question that makes me want to punch someone in their damn face. Because as a child I was trying to explain what was happening to me.
Just like numerous Warriors, I was overlooked and labeled “dramatic.” And I was unfortunately left to my parents’ manipulations. My lying behavior continued because my parents wanted the behavior to continue. Again, I was Tim’s sex doll. Why would he want to lose me?
The second Hardest Truth After Speaking/Reporting Abuser is demons will surface after speaking your truth to others. Especially if things happened in your past. Again, I am not a therapist nor a doctor. I am just a Warrior sharing her story to help others not repeat my mistakes. But I sadly I thought I could handle finding my father’s videos, but I wish I would have spoken up to others. I wish I wouldn’t have been ashamed of what happened to me. Because there is no reason to be ashamed. And I mean truly talk to others. I told people what happened, but no one knew how to communicate with me.
And to those that believe you don’t have anyone. You do. I am here. And I see you.
And I know that feeling all too well. It’s just a thought trying to creep up. Please speak out. Don’t let the emotion win.
I let the voices take over my thoughts. And all three of my voices came to play. And they came slamming hard. I mean Tim, Guilt, and I had been in hiding since my teenage years. And no one around me was aware of my previous behavior. I lived in Florida with all new friends.
I pissed off my best friend because it was her wedding week. And I canceled. And I promised her I wasn’t going to flake because that was unfortunately typical Brittian behavior. I just had the opportunity of having her back in my life, and I just couldn’t leave.
I didn’t know how to tell my other best friends. I mean I talked highly of my dad. Because once again, I wanted to hide how fucked up my life truly was.
I thought I had no one. I thought I was going to drown with the waves. And honestly, I hoped I would. But after many attempts, I eventually realized who the fuck cares about anyone else but MYSELF. I am enough. And I am here for a purpose. We all are here for a purpose. It’s up to us what path we decide to take.
And I chose to fight like hell. And I am continuing to fight. For my health, I’ve decided to heal myself with techniques and methods. For those that take medications, you do you. And I am proud of anyone that is trying to better themselves. Every story is different.
Just after countless therapies and diagnosis, I’ve decided most of my mental health issues come from my environment that I lived in for 25 years of my life. I am learning to break the horrible habits my parents’ taught me.
Each day I continue to grow. Each set back lasts that much less each time.
And I am finally starting to have more amazing days rather than depressed.
So please don’t give up, no matter your circumstance.
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