Holidays why must you haunt my every thought and emotion?
The good, the bad, and of course the ugly. But why must every joyful emotion come with instant panic? Instant fear of my surroundings.
While I scream so desperately for my lovely voice, Her, to just shut the fuck up so my anxiety doesn’t rise to the surface.
My anxiety becomes extremely rude when awaken. Anxiety and I have a love-hate relationship that’s for sure. Beyond toxic of course. And man it’s a hard habit to break. How does one break codependency from ones’ self?
And the hard truth of it all, is I’ve learned to live with Her. Her is the Master of anxiety. And only comes to the surface, unexpectedly of course, when my guard becomes vulnerable. Hence why I guard every ounce of my body.
And the funny truth of it all. Anxiety creeps in when happiness makes a grateful appearance.
And then Her decides to bring out the negative instead of the positive. And 95% of the time it’s all make-believe. My imagination loves to run wild.
And on days like yesterday, when anxiety wants to play, because welp it was a holiday. And every holiday is beyond a struggle. I know there will be a moment when I open my eyes on a holiday morning full of life and happiness. But yesterday was just not that day.
My first thought that crept in my exhausted brain was how much I miss my family. How I so desperately wanted to be able to take those “Happy Halloween” photos with my mother. Or just to be able to call her and tell her of my crazy adventures.
I truly hope for the day when the pain just stops. And I know longer want her.
And to those that struggled yesterday and are still trying, even if it was just getting up to go to the bathroom. I am so beyond proud of you. You made it through the holiday, just like me, and just remember you are destined for greatness. One bad day doesn’t define who you are.
It was just a bad day. And maybe today is one too? But I promise you there will be a good day, and you best enjoy every waking second. We are all Warriors and in this together.