”The truth, the truth of it all, I am struggling. I struggle almost every damn day. My anxiety loves to overtake and wake up Her.
Her is my voice. But not the voice that gives you the confidence to fly high and soar through the clouds. Her digs and digs at all my insecurities until I rupture and demolish anyone or anything in my path.
And yeah I know, I need to learn how to handle my emotions better. “I just need to calm the fuck down.” Or my absolute favorite phrase, that will most definitely end up leaving the poor victim crying wondering what the fuck happened, “Leave me alone Brit, you’re acting crazy.”
All I want to do is control my emotions and my sporadic , countless and countless, racing thoughts. I wish I could just close my eyes and tell my myself just once to stop acting this way. But quite frankly the more I push away Her, the more she fights back, with her minions following her evil path.
Including Anxiety, and when anxiety rises fierce and ready to fight, I can barely hold on. And those two aren’t even half the fellows that live in my head.
Some are fears.
Some are actual true people, like Tim and my brother. My mother is still too painful to think about. I am sure when I am ready to heal my soul, she will come rising not wanting to be forgotten.
And some are pains like a disease which I truly believe are stemmed from my environment. I will overcome once my mind heals from the traumas.
I truly believe my voices and my fears will always live with me, but the more I heal the more I come to realize I can learn to live with them. Our love-hate relationship is just how we will always be. And I am quite frankly okay with that.”
I wrote this journal entry a little over two years ago from this moment. As I stare out at the colorful horizon, I remind myself how I am so beyond happy I survived.
Even though I still have some of my fears and figures still present with me, those that are hard to overcome are presenting themselves less and less.
When I am feeling desperate and helpless instead of turning to Her, I am beginning to listen to me. The freckled face girl starring in the mirror fighting for her happiness because she fucking deserves her complete bliss.
I know I will have my happiness, but I’ve come to realize I have a lifetime of pain to overcome. But let me tell you how grateful I am to escape my madness called my family. I have a new life patiently waiting for me to be ready to open my heart.
And I will be. I can feel it throughout my body because each day I wake up my pain is just a little bit less.
I still have my days, but life is all about learning, and I am learning how to love me. To be present. And to live perfectly imperfect like a true badass.