Dear Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

I know my sorries mean absolutely nothing to you anymore. All you wanted from me all those years ago was honesty. Just honesty.

I tried my damn hardest to prove to you that I was still worthy of your love. All I wanted was your love. You made me feel complete in a world of complete uncertainty. I always would sore the highest depths when you forgave me. Probably why for a long while you continuously kept coming back to my fucked up mess.

I thank you. I thank you for loving me even when everyone scolded you otherwise. You never gave up on me all those years. I just didn’t love myself, so sadly your love never stood a chance.

Our timing was just all wrong for the friendship we both so desperately wanted.

As I browse through my old blue photo album, I see my bright hazel, freckled face full of complete laughter and joy. For that I am thankful. Those are the moments that saved my life. You don’t understand the magnitude of those moments for me.

You are the reason I know what love is. I fought all those years and chose to stay alive for you. I just wish I would have reached out to you all those years ago.

I trusted you. I just never trusted myself with my own truth. My truth was far to harsh to face. I knew our friendship wouldn’t survive the heat. I was a troubled soul. There was no insane way your parents would let our relationship continue. I couldn’t allow the judgment of others to lose the only person that loved me.

As we grew older, I continued to live the life I taught myself to believe. I would crumble and fall into my lies. I continued this far longer than I should. All the lies started to blend together.

You grew smart. I grew insane at the thought of losing you. And the funniest part of it all, if I would have just been honest with you, you would be here to learn of the person I’ve become.

I am no longer that girl in those photos. I am strong. I’ve overcome more than I ever thought I could. I fight for that girl in those pictures though. I fight so no other soul has to feel ashamed of who they are.

I am not what happened to me. I am just me, bipolar mess and all. I just wish you could see it. I just wish I could tell you one last time that I am truly sorry. So sorry for the lies, manipulations, and bullshit. And for one last time, true promises and all, tell you that I’ve changed. But I will never get that wish because I’ve gone down a path to hard to forgive. A path I chose.

Once again I let fear consume my every thought. And fuck am I beyond sorry you were a product in my messed up behavior.

That’s why I guess you should tell your truth? All I can say is I am happy you were a lesson learned. Not for one second do I ever regret our relationship. I regret not being honest. Just simply honest with you.