“I cannot tell her about the wedding. I cannot tell her about the wedding.”
I rocked myself in the corner of my ladybug bedroom for all hours of the day. Sputtering the circle of words, “I cannot tell her about the wedding.” On repeat.
This very September morning, I found myself in the corner, frightened for my life.
I knew this was the day my childhood best friend relationship would finally be destroyed. For what I was about to tell her would be the last damn straw to our desperate relationship.
I wouldn’t be coming to my best friend’s wedding. I just couldn’t rise against my voices. They were taunting my every thought. My every single motive.
I knew I’d lost control. Not only was Her quite present. All my other voices followed her led fiercely. And all of them united to welcome the new voice to enter my head.
They were all overly joyed for this new presence. This presence had shown up from time to time, but I was quite the actress when it came to dealing with denial so his presence never survived.
A few September days ago, from this very day, denial no longer had power over me quite as it wanted. Allowing Her and all her minion voices to stand tall together and bring in this new yet familiar voice.
This figure’s name was my abusive, adoptive father Tim.
Tim was my ultimate kryptonite or so I thought. My mother soon followed with her evil presence.
But I no longer knew what was true anymore in my delusional world. Not only was Tim appearing in my thoughts, but he was also in the room right across the hall, watching the videos he took of me nude.
Trying to figure out a way to keep my silence. I know he heard my screaming thoughts through our white, thin doors.
But both Tim’s wanted me to be locked into that ladybug room. Then their hushed secrets would remain silent.
So I continued in the corner trying to rationalize my voices. Screaming at the top of my lungs, “Just shut the fuck up. I need to think. I just need a fucking moment.”
But none of them listened. All of them had their own way of telling my confused soul how I should handle the circumstance thrown at me.
All I knew is I didn’t want the attention to be on me. I always made everything about me. I wasn’t going to ruin my best friend’s day. This was her moment.
And for that, all I knew is I couldn’t go to her wedding. The best I could do for her at that moment was to sacrifice our relationship, just this one last time, and make sure for once to put her first.
Because she did matter. She mattered so much to me.