”I am strong. I am brave. I can overcome.”
By this time I’d been screaming at myself for at least an hour. Desperately wanting to believe the words flying out of my mouth. All I wanted to be as strong, brave, and to overcome all my obstacles.
Normally I could walk my depressed ass into my bathroom, look into the medium-sized mirror, and simply remind myself of my worth.
But this time as my dark circled, hazel eyes glazed into the shinny mirror, my brain was far too gone to just be consumed by positive reinforcement. Such an amazing theory on paper, but sometimes the human mind can play tricks. And on this very day, my thoughts were mind fucking me to a whole new dimension.
Her, one of the many voices in my head, would not allow the positivity to overtake. For some strange reason, she decided to use all forces imaginable. No matter how hard I tried to remind my exhausted self, “I am strong. I am brave. I can overcome.”
Her would simply remind me of my worth.
“Overcome what? You are just laying in bed.” “You’re brave? All you’ve done is hide?” “Strong? Nah, you’re so weak. Just look at you.”
I would plea to Her. Begging to just let me be. All I wanted to be was just me again. The freckled face girl who loves to paint, photograph, and most of all write.
I didn’t want to be the version looking at me in my brown framed mirror. All I wanted was my life again.
But my stupid fucking brain just wouldn’t allow it. No matter how much I wanted to do this.
I just couldn’t do this alone anymore. I needed help. I needed to reach out. I needed to learn to fight.
I was always taught that asking for help is weak. Or when I did ask for help, no matter what the circumstance was, I was always an inconvenience for asking such disturbing questions.
So over time I just stopped asking and took care of all my obstacles my damn self. And honestly, I fucked up my life way more than I should of. I should have just been honest and told those that loved me that I needed help. I just needed help.
As I continued to scream at myself in my mirror, I came to a realization that what I was doing no longer worked. For this circumstance anyways.
I just dropped to the floor. I put my knees up to my chest, clung my arms around my legs, and just started sobbing. Sobbing for all the pain to just be over.
This is the moment I knew all I needed was help. It was time to just reach out and that is more than okay.