“Oh hi there Brit. Its been a hot minute since we’ve last had a conversation.￼ I know you missed me. I can see you are trying your damn hardest to keep all of your emotions under control. Especially during this alarming time for the whole world. It looks to me your biggest fears are coming true, and I just couldn’t miss out on this party to help guide your way.”
My hazel eyes instantly opened from my deep sleep.
“Um, what the fuck do you mean? I don’t need your help one bit trying to control my emotions, Her.”
I probably yelled at myself, or Her, as I like to call her, for countless hours. Trying to convince her otherwise to just please, please, please leave my head alone.
Her is the version of myself that loves to taunt me with what I believe my worth is. Or better yet she loves to remind me of all the countless possibilities that could possibly go wrong.
Her is the leader of my voices.
As soon as she uses her forces to gain power over my thoughts, all of her minions soon follow her lead.
Anxiety. Anxiety being the most fearful of them all.
As this awful, media spun, virus taunts all of the Country, my normal techniques for self-guidance are beginning to crumble beneath my very overwhelmed and anxious feet.
Giving Her and Anxiety an invitation to begin pumping my thoughts with what they believe to be true.
“Brit you have Lupus, if you get it you’re considered high risk.” “Brit we noticed you have been throwing up quite randomly, is the fear beginning to present itself? “Oh and better yet are you realizing that your life could be put on hold. I mean both Anxiety and I remember how much you loved being trapped?”
As Anxiety and Her become stronger with all of their might. Taunting my every thought as I lay in my dark, dark, room. My confused, freckled hazel eyes glare up at the white ceiling fan in hopes that I can regain control before all my voices begin.
All I want is for the madness to stop. For the panic to stop around me. I understand the confusion and fear that is presenting itself, but it seems to me this is the moment for all of us to join together. And from what I can see, humans are allowing the anxiety to take over.
Fuck man I went to Publix just the other day and all I saw was people yelling at the cashiers, who by the way are there to assist you. Or better yet instead of helping others by giving up one of their twenty packages of toilet paper, I see people stealing from other carts. I haven’t had toilet paper in over a week.
What is the world becoming?
That in itself is making my anxiety skyrocket to another dimension.
So to those, like me, that live with a mental illness. Fighting to just stay grounded through all this turmoil around us. I am right here fighting with you.
And even through all this hardship, I promise to myself and those around me, not for one second will I give up on myself.
I know these terrible times will pass. And I will survive. As you will too.
My whole world seems to be crumbling around me. And it’s not the virus itself I am terrified of it’s the people around me. The people that have yet to experience what true, severe anxiety can do.
Or we have those that choose to live in denial about the virus itself. They continue to live on with their lives believing if they ignore the problem it will just wash away.
And fuck Denial. Denial is the scariest emotion of them all.
But through all this panic, I must keep reminding myself that no matter what I still deserve to be here. I am worthy. I am worthy of life. And so are you.