“I can do this. I just know I can do this.”
I probably sat on my blue and yellow striped couch for at least two hours fighting Her. Trying to convince Her that I am capable of doing a Podcast.
“People won’t like it? Your voice is annoying. Why would someone want to listen to you ramble about your life? Are you really that interesting?”
Her, one of the many, many voices that live in my head, loves to remind me what she believes my worth is.
Allowing Fear to make his stunning appearance. Because Her’s words are just too convincing to ignore altogether.
The more I feed into Her’s ridiculous behavior, the faster Fear begins to rise in my quite overwhelmed and traumatized brain of mine.
Fear comes to me in all shapes and sizes depending on what taunting occurrence has decided to take place. But the majority of the time, Fear is a voice of a male figure. A figure that sounds like my adoptive father, Tim. Just two octaves higher.
Tim is the man who decided it would be in everyone’s’ best interest to take all my innocence away. And even with concrete proof of his haunting behavior, my mother chose to stay with my abuser. My mother chose to live her life in denial.
Hence why I believe my voice, Fear, sounds quite a lot like Tim. He’s the only man I’ve ever been truly terrified of. And the sound of my Father’s voice, but just a tad higher, rejoices Fear as my ultimate kryptonite.
Well, when Fear decides to present himself anyways. I try my damn hardest to not allow him to overtake because once I do, my World has the potential to begin to crumble.
Like before, as I sat on my faded blue and yellow striped couch contemplating if I should even try to produce this “ridiculous” Podcast idea.
I decided to close my freckled, hazel eyes as tightly as I could, and screamed at the top of my lungs with all my might. No pillow. No warning. I just needed a release. An instant release anyways.
Fuck man, I just wanted to be able to accomplish a simple task without all the noise around me. I just wanted to enjoy a moment of my life where I can help those struggling especially right at this moment.
Fear is consuming our daily lives and there just seems to be no escape.
This type of Fear being way more intense than any high pitched man I’ve ever encountered.
With this type of Fear roaming, much like the physical virus itself, Fear spreads its chilling love from human to human without hesitation.
In my mind, being the most dominate virus of them all.
And on this day, a few moments back, I just couldn’t allow the fear to consume me yet again. I wasn’t going to allow this fearful cycle to continue.
So I got up from my yellow and blue striped couch, took that much needed deep, deep breath. And walked my fearful ass to my bathroom mirror, looked at my knotted, long blondish hair, and simply reminded myself of my worth.
“I am strong. I am brave. I can overcome.”
I screamed this at myself at least a hundred times before I broke down crying.
But that sob-fest is exactly what I needed.
I needed to express and release Fear. I needed to remind that high pitch squeak fucker who was in charge. Me.
Just simply me.
And that is when the magic began👇🏻