“Wait what do you mean? For the next thirty days, maybe even after that, I am supposedly confined to one place?” I screamed to myself.
Thank goodness, I didn’t rattle Her.
Her is my inner voice that loves to taunt my every thought and motive. And Her would be quite fine if she wanted to help me conquer rather than try to make me crumble with all her might.
Once woken, Her can be quite demanding. I silenced her just the other day. And that took quite a lot of convincing. Her didn’t go down without a fight. And she won more battles before I actually had the guts to stand up for myself.
But with persistence I can always find a way to overcome Her taunting voice.
My hands began shaking as my thoughts came back to President Trump on our rather large t.v screen.
My shaking hands became bluish and clammy. As my body temperature kept rising and rising. I felt as if I was burning alive in that very moment.
No, just no. I couldn’t be told to stay in my current state for thirty more days.
I’ve felt as if my whole body was going to collapse to the ground at any second. The uncertainty around me.
The hate. The fear.
And it’s not the fact that I am confined to a physical place. Quite honestly moments of self confinement is when I thrive the most.
But the fear in those around me. The fear I notice in the exhausted eyes of those I love.
The ones that normally have their shit together.
I know that look. The look of uncertainty of the future. And as the control is almost lost and in the hopes of others, who quite frankly I don’t know should be trusted.
I can see with my rather calm eyes, as the strong are starting to allow the dark eyes of confusion to grow darker and darker. Without a light in sight. For now anyway.
I feel as if this virus is going to bring those who normally wouldn’t spiral into darkness, and my heart aches that they will be the first to crumble.
This just couldn’t be happening. How are we going to help the mental health world? Especially those that don’t know or understand all the pain they may be feeling.
I know in my early days of uncertainty, anger consumed my body. I destroyed more lives than I would ever like to admit. And I am just one person.
This allowed the wonders to set in.
“Why would it be for another thirty days? Is the government being completely honest? Am I at risk? Should I even step my pale, small feet outside? Even if it’s only for a split second?
The racing thoughts began spinning and spinning. I just couldn’t breathe. I just couldn’t think. Too many thoughts racing through my mind all at once.
And I don’t know how to even gather a rational solution. In this moment anyways.
And just like that I’d woken up my lovely, pest of a voice, Anxiety.
Anxiety can be quite a bitch if I allow it. But I just found the light, I don’t want to use all my might, just yet, to try and escape it.
I need to save up my courage for when I decide to truly crumble.
But the urge to listen to Anxiety can be so very overwhelming.
Anxiety just isn’t worth my happiness. Or so it seems.
I just may have to say my chant, “I am strong. I am brave. I can overcome,” to myself more than a hundred times, but silencing Anxiety is worth it.
I know the world around looks as if it’s crumbling. But I am grateful. Not grateful that there are so many souls hurting.
Grateful that I have this time, this time to re-evaluate.
When will I ever have a chance like this again? Where the whole universe is shut down.
This is kind of the grounding I always wanted.
I have the ability to try a new hobby. Or restart an old one. And my writing, damn is my writing thriving. A hobby that I so desperately wanted more time to do.
I just didn’t get my wish exactly the way I wanted.
I cannot control the pain around me, but I can control how I feel. And how I take advantage of this time given.
We all got this. We will all be okay. We cannot predict what is to happen. But we can decide what our mood should be.