“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” And then BAM went my way too tall black high, heel shoes on the thin, thin ice.
I just began laughing hysterically.
And screamed “help I can’t get up.” In between all my laughs of complete humiliation.
My best friend at the time soon followed, to come to my rescue I believe, and as her way too high heels came down the thin, thin ice. My black-haired soulmate, at the time anyways, slipped before she could come to my rescue.
Then came Matt. His little short self, blabbing something about how we are being ridiculous, and came down full speed for some damn reason. Slamming his body into the trunk of my car.
The laughs were beyond ridiculous at this point. Belly, dropped to your knees kind of laugh. Luckily I was already laying flat on my face.
As we all laughed and took a few moments to get up. Matt looked at my best friend and I. Smiled that bright, goofy smile of his and just laughed as he walked away.
Blabbing some type of nonsense along the way.
As if it was better to just leave the moment as is. Absolutely hilarious.
Hilarious is what I always remember Matt to be. Always full of energy, life, and way smarter than he led on to others.
And as my closed, freckled, hazel eyes began swelling up with those big, big tears. This memory brought a huge smile to my face.
A smile that soon disappeared due to the shattering stab at my exhausted heart.
I will no longer have the other opportunity to have another hilarious moment with my dear friend Matt. We always made plans to meet up over the years, but life just gets way to busy for those that linger in the distance.
But through the years of checking in on one another, I grew proud of the man he tried to become. The man he so desperately wanted to be for his family and for the ones he loved in general.
But through it all, Matt just wanted to prove to himself that he was worthy.
And just as he began to crumble, too me, it seemed as if he was finally proving to himself that he was worthy of love. Worthy of the life he so desperately wanted.
I was damn proud of my dear, dear friend. I was and will continue to be a cheerleader from a distance.
It just saddens my heart that just this one time the voices were too taunting for him to ignore. To ignore all the hard work he accomplished.
He still deserves to be shinning bright here on Earth with us.
Those voices that began taunting were beyond his control. Not one damn person knows how to handle the pure insanity around us.
No one has dealt with this magnitude of uncertainty that is lurking around the entire continent.
Those emotions that Matt was feeling were truly beyond his control.
And too me, the silent killer that all of us need to fear the most, is suicide in itself.
As harsh as that may be.
This needs to be a topic that rises to the surface. Matt will not be the first to lose his life due to the Coronavirus.
And no the virus didn’t physically eat his body away, but the virus most definitely mentally fucked with his every thought and emotion.
To me, that is a death that needs to not be ignored. But brought to attention.
Attention that mental health. Yes, mental health, is just as damn important as physical health.
Honestly to me, I think it’s quite more important. The physical virus itself we are handling with care.
But what about those that had to leave their safe places? Who is confined to places with their abusers? Children who are stuck in houses with no food? Or parents that are nonexistent?
What can we do to help those in need by trapping all of us in our homes? Confined to these places. With no physical escape, literally.
And yes I know, we have to stay home to contain the virus itself. I completely understand that being a lupus patient myself.
But doesn’t that just prove we need to come together and find a way to help find a suicide vaccine for those that mentally need guidance?
Matt sadly won’t be the first to lose his life to the Coronavirus.
So please to all of you, please reach out if you start hearing those voices in your head.
What your feeling is normal. The uncertainty around us is beyond any of our control. None of what your feeling is your fault.
I promise you, you got this. We all got this.
My voices too want to rise fiercely with all their might. But I refuse to allow them to taunt my every motive. But I could crumble.
No one knows the life of being bipolar.
But I do know, I would reach out. And if you feel as if you have no one. I am here. I will be your biggest cheerleader.
We are all fighting a battle beyond our control. And mental health just doesn’t have any damn warning.
But once again just remember you truly got this. You deserve to be here. No matter what your circumstance may be. Or what others or yourself are trying to convince you otherwise.
You are bright. Brilliant. And once all of this nonsense is over, you will shine even brighter than before. Because you survived. You survived and that’s all that matters.