Maybe Just Maybe…

My confused, exhausted brain of mine she is quite on a roller coaster of emotions.

Emotions that are quite sadly beyond my control.

My own paranoid self never even had the courage to muster up thoughts quite like these. Who knew all of the World’s kryptonite would be a silent killer known as a virus. The Corona Virus.

My voices are trying to thrive in this environment thrown at me. Her, the leader of my voices, and all her minions’ conqueror most of these circumstances of uncertainty. And this is when all of them shine their finest.

But for some strange reason, I dare not to question; I have a feeling of complete comfort in this uncertainty around me.

No I’ve never dealt with such a circumstance thrown my way. But I’ve most definitely caused quite a disturbance of not knowing what is to become. My mind can be quite irrational in moments of weakness.

And as I said before for some strange reason, again I dare not to question; I notice that the rise of irrational thoughts is all around me. But my irrational thoughts for once have not had the opportunity to destroy me.

Everyone is spinning. Spinning with no escape.

Even those that are acting defiant. Maybe those children or “pests” as some of you call them, are out flooding the streets, gathering bc they need that comfort.

Some are probably abused. Some may need to find a way to provide for his sick mother. Or maybe, just maybe these defiant children don’t have a home.

Quite frankly, them hiding away maybe, just maybe might be a better home than locked in our Foster Care System.

Which is beyond devastating when you think about it.

But as I watch the world around me crumble I began realizing grief is flying fiercely throughout the clouds. And all of us, it seems to me anyway, is at the spot where anger is starting to boil.

The grief of loved ones and the questions of why? The grief of lost opportunities and can one recover. Loans may be nice, but sorry government you can’t fool a bullshiter. America is the master of being an Indian giver.

Or better yet, maybe you are thrown into the disaster known as an Essential Worker.

An Essential worker who has no leave pay when sick and no hopes for income relief. Or those who have to work, but have no support from their so-called Employer.

Employers, I have seen myself I may add, are not providing hazardous pay, however, demand their workers to keep chugging on. And these Corporations, as you may call them, know the desperate want of income, so every single person is disposable at this point, anyway.

And that feeling can destroy anyone who’s never felt such a stab at their heart.

Leaving us all angry about the circumstances around us. Angry about what the World has become.

And for me, I know, I can no longer be blinded. My heart aches.

And I’ve only scratched the surface. I cannot even begin to bring up unemployment and food SNAPS and the lack of humanity the government truly has to offer.

Fuck, I gave up even trying to call the unemployment number. Most of the time I believe it’s some British woman blabbering some nonsense my way.

I guess I just have to hope for my money. It will just magically appear anyways, according to the government.

But anger. Anger wants to rise so violently.

Anger is not an emotion or voice that I let out very often. Because sometimes, even with all the persistence in the World, I cannot seem to control him.

I explain Anger as a man that jumps onto my helpless body, and hold my hands down with all of his might. No matter how much I scream, yell, or try to throw Anger’s body off, I just cannot win.

And for that, it aches my heart that those around me are having the boil of Anger.

Anger whoever your voice may be to you. Wants all of us to crumble. To allow him or her to win.

I am here to tell you. To let anger win. To let him rise.

Scream at the top of your lungs if you need too. Stomp your feet like a child throwing a tantrum. Or better yet cry.

Angry cry the crap out of your body.

But once you let all the anger release. Just let it all go.

Throw that anger to the ground and stomp on it with all your might and remind
Anger who the boss is.

And that’s YOU.

You are in charge. You got this. And you will survive.

I promise you.