I closed my exhausted, hazel eyes and screamed to myself, “Will I ever stop loving my mother? Will this torturous pain just ever stop?”
And at this moment all I wanted was the pain stabbing at my heart to just disappear.
To just disappear from my dreams.
Over the past week, this very week exactly, just a few years back; I couldn’t get my mother out of my head.
All I wanted was her. Her voice asking me how I was doing. Her laughing at my ridiculous questions and behavior. And just her being her. I just wanted my mom.
And my haunting dreams didn’t make that want any less desirable.
The dreams consist of my mother and I having the grandest moments. Because to be quite honest, some of the best memories that I still have still to date are with my mom.
And it was never some grand jester. Just the moments of going out to lunch with her and laughing about absolutely nothing. Those are the moments I loved because I felt loved.
All I ever wanted from either of my parents was to be cherished. And to prove to them I was worthy of such love, but mostly by my mother.
Her approval meant everything to me, when to me now, a few years after these series of dreams, I’ve realized that I deserve so much more than she has to offer.
Today is such a hard day. I am not going to lie for one second and pretend it’s not. My heart is so happy for those that get to experience this special occasion with their mothers, but my heart still aches for the thought of her.
And honestly I don’t think it will ever stop. But as time passes and I grieve my mother. Even though she still wanders. Wanders with Tim and the family that chose to turn their backs on me.
All I can say is today, today I am at the point in my healing where I am okay to say, “I don’t have a mom.”
Because let’s be real, that dreadful question haunts my thoughts every single moment.
And this year I’ve decided to be honest. Honest with myself, I don’t have a mom.
And it may make people uncomfortable. It may build questions that I am not prepared to answer, but I no longer want to hide from this damn question, “What are you doing for Mother’s Day?”
So for those that cherish their day with loved ones, remember there are people like me, who are haunted by this holiday.
This holiday is such a hard moment for me. And I know for a fact that I am not the only one.
So just keep that in mind when you ask that question because there are some people that may not have an answer.
Don’t judge. Remain humble. And please be kind. This is a day of sorrow for some of us.