My mind is in such a loop. A complete loop of disaster. As much as I love to say I adapt well to my surroundings, I am not as advanced as I would like to be. Or so I thought anyway.
I began noticing a change in my behavior. I was doing quite well. I am advancing in my career, which quite frankly, I am pretty damn proud of myself for that accomplishment. For some odd reason, that particular chaos doesn’t seem to bother me that much. It’s the type of chaos I thrive in. Situations I can control.
But the behaviors I noticed was my empathy was beginning to fade. I love all beings. And I do truly believe there is good in all. Even my abuser. But that is a story for a different day.
But I lost kindness just for others. And to me, after much reflection, I couldn’t believe I was acting in such a way. Which is the first warning sign, my moods are just not quite the same.
Trust me I wrote it down.
And then the other day I received a text that made my heart sink just a little bit. Because of my mouth and my need for attention, I hurt someone I cared about. Not by any means by any intention.
Just out of impulse. I knew it would come back to haunt me, but I should have just been honest. But to be honest, this individual is not innocent by any means. I just shouldn’t have sunk to his level.
Men always seem to get to me. Just a little extra. Men that particularly treat women with just enough disrespect, people don’t seem to notice.
And I began realizing once again I slipped back into an old behavior.
I began to grow angry at myself. But as the more I reflected on the situation, I realized this was still a victory.
A victory because I realized my behavior before I decided to self destruct. Change is hard for me.
I adapt well. But lately, I seem to be flip-flobbing back and forth. The world can’t seem to make up its damn mind. And I am becoming quite exhausted trying to tiptoe around everything and everyone. Any damn thing could explode at any moment.
So to my brain, I just needed to remind her not to crumble this very moment. I had a setback. I became lazy. And that’s on me. ￼Methods and techniques are too be practiced. I can’t remember the last time I even wrote a piece before this very moment.
But all I can do now is move forward. And fuck, I’ve never been more proud of myself for noticing this behavior. I may have still acted out of line. But I am not the first to be just a little out of character this moment in time. The world is full of uncertainty. And with the loss of control, can come some consequences.
Baby steps. And man does each little step make me that much closer. Closer to controlling my destiny.
I am by no means perfect. Far from it. I overthink. I love or hate way, way too much. Some suffer. Some will receive my whole heart. There is just never any in-between.
And that is just simply me. Just me.
So to those that made a slight, stupid mistake during this period of uncertainty; just don’t you dare beat yourself up too hard. Okay?
Be mad at yourself. You most definitely deserve it. But don’t dwell on something you can no longer control. Move on and do better.
Always strive to do better, and all you eventually can do is get there. And trust me we are all one step closer to our destinies. ❤️