“Hi, Brittian how are you?” Asked my Attorney. I of course was hopeful. My last deposition was canceled. If my Attorney is calling me, that has to mean the deposition was actually going to happen. I excitedly stated I was doing wonderful.
And then she spoke again, but I noticed the tone in her voice was quite different from mine. My Attorney wasn’t excited for joy, she sounded concerned and worried some. “This is in regards to your deposition tomorrow, we are debating if we should cancel it.”
“Wait what do you mean? Why would we cancel?” My voice must have sounded helpless because she sat there for quite a long few seconds. Until she finally had the guts to say, “You seem like a pretty smart girl, they just don’t have the time to review the evidence right now. And who knows if they actually will.”
I closed my hazel eyes tight, took in a deep, deep breath, and said, “Okay, then I will wait.”
Wait once more in hopes that the so-called police would actually do their homework. But over time I realized the police never wanted to side with me, they just wanted to silence me.
Why issue a warrant and confiscated all of my father’s electronics? Just for show? To “show” me that you are working oh so very hard to protect me? I know for certain the police would have found something quite alarming if they actually took the time to review the files.
I mean fuck man they even took his phone. His phone that was password protected and not to be touched. Never to be touched. Hmmm, I wonder why?
But hopeful waiting is what I did. For a long while. And fuck the constant fear, day to day, knowing Tim had all the means to just come and shoot me square in the face. I know a little dramatic, but still could happen. It truly could happen.
All because I wanted to protect those around him. And expose him for he truly was. No protection. Just a burden to those I contacted because let’s be real not a single soul wanted to write the paperwork for my case. No one believes the of age girl. I mean the white man is always right, correct? I must just be insane. I just must.
I thought I did the correct act by finally having the courage to tell my truth to the authorities. And all I felt was fear.
Fear of the unknown.
Not once did I feel protected. Funny how I grew up admiring their blue suits and not once did those blue suits give me any type of comfort.
I had to learn how to protect myself. To make myself feel safe. Because quite frankly no one could do that for me.
And fuck as hard as it was in those moments. Those moments of constant fear. Complete fear. I am now over a few years later, beyond joyed that the police turned their blind eye. Not for the fact that Tim gets to continue his pedophile ways.
Because I proved to myself that I could overcome my father. That I can move past the figure that lurks in the shadows. My imagination can play some insane games when provoked. And once Anxiety is awaken and wakes up my lovely inner voice, Her, their voices can be quite overwhelming to overcome.
But over time I’ve come to realize my voices are my deepest insecurities and fears. I’ve learned to only listen to my true self, not the parts of me that want harm.
And with that, the fear of my father has slowly faded and turned into anger. Which I know, I know I need to learn to release that emotion as well.
But in my hazel eyes, I would rather despise this man than fear him. Healing isn’t linear remember?
I can at times even become too angry, I begin hating. Hating every emotion that surrounds him. I hate the fact of who he molded me to become. I hate the fact that he tarnished my name. I hate the fact that his lies made me lose my family. Honestly, the hate game could go on and on.
And hate is a strong word, I know that. But this man truly deserves every single stab to his pedophile heart.
Men like my father dictate the world. And if hating these men helps us as women overpower and strive for greatness.
Then so be it. I hate every single damn one of them.